Face Off: Drugs

Smokin’ a fatty of truth

By Eric Lorenz
Editor-in-Chief

Some people will try to tell you that drugs are bad. And yet, countless numbers of people continue to use them. Despite all the educational materials available, telling people that drugs are bad just doesn’t work. That’s why I choose to show people that drugs are bad, and I prefer to show people my message through words.

I don’t usually share this story with people, but I, too, was once hooked on drugs – crack, to be specific. Yes, those were the days. The nights were wild and the women were, well, the women were crack heads. But hey, women are women, right?

Anyway, things were going fine. I held down a 9-to-5 job in an office during the day and then scored my hits at night. It’d be myself, Jerry, Colin, other Jerry and Hambone, and we would smoke until I had to go to work in the morning. My boss never even got suspicious. In fact, he loved all the grandiose ideas I had, like the one about expanding our fabric chain into the world of soft-serve ice cream. No one even suspected anything at Christmas when, for my Secret Santa gift, I gave Marsha in sales a box of Brillo pads because it was the only thing I hadn’t pawned. Everyone just assumed I was a clean freak.

Yeah, it was definitely good times. But just like the TV show, all things must end. In my case, the end came when I visited the zoo.

Jerry’s friend Crackhead Lou had just been busted for selling narcotics. Jerry, knowing Lou had some stuff stashed in his apartment, went over to his place, broke in and took whatever he could find. That evening, we all sorted through what was taken. I managed to grab a handful of Xanax, Ecstasy pills and weed. That, combined with the crack and alcohol I already had, gave me the inspiration to go down to the local zoo. My original purpose was to decode the secret language that monkeys use to communicate with one another so that I, too, could communicate with them and end the debate on evolution once and for all. But even the best laid plans don’t always go according to plan.

Now I don’t know if it was something I ate, but I started feeling a bit ill when I got out of the car, and by the time I got to the panda exhibit, I was downright out of it. Now, I don’t remember much of what happened next, but when I woke up, I was sitting in a squad car, completely naked and smelling of hippo love.

That moment made me take a hard look in the mirror, and I have been drug-free ever since. (I have also since developed a fear of hippos, although I can’t exactly pinpoint why.) I even go around to local elementary schools and share my stories with the kids there. That is, until a nosy teacher shoos me away from them at recess. I try to explain that I just want to take a couple of the kids to my van to show them some before and after pictures of myself, but then they usually call the police.

My message is a simple one: Don’t do drugs. There are so many other things you can use to get a “natural” high. Like whipped cream. It is delicious, and you feel great sucking on that can. Just make sure to go slow, the slower the better. In fact, if you’re pressing down and no whipped cream comes out at all, you’re ahead of the game.

Or how about high altitudes? Oxygen deprivation can make you see all sorts of crazy things. Or not sleeping? Forcing yourself to go without sleep can have a similar effect to marijuana. Basically by the 24-hour mark, you’ll be laughing at pretty much anything.

But if you’re just one of those people who can’t live without an addiction, then consider one of the following:

Work: Just bury yourself in your work, ignoring everything else in your life that makes you unhappy.

Food/Chocolate: Gorging yourself on your favorite foods is always a good bet. Plus it provides you with the energy to get out of the house and get a bucket of chicken from KFC. And the cycle continues …

Caffeine: Starbucks lovers, you’re halfway there. Just hire a live-in barista and you’re set.

Anger: Flying off the handle at the smallest of things can be very satisfying. Try punching a wall for best effect.

Internet pornography: It’s one of the most user-friendly addictions one can have. Thousands of lovely ladies are out there just waiting for you to watch them degrade themselves for some spare cash.

Sex: For those who prefer to be a participant rather than a spectator. It’s loads of fun if you have the stamina, just ask David Duchovny.

Or you can get hooked on Jesus. The side effects will include eternal salvation and a one-way ticket to Heaven. You’ve gotta agree that that sounds much better than having the feeling of bugs crawling under your skin.

You see? Once you stop and look around, there are all sorts of alternatives to killing yourself with drugs. Why waste thousands of dollars, lose relationships with friends and family and become a detriment to society when you can literally get high on life?

Just don’t do drugs because as Jesus once said, “Drugs are bad.”


Chasing the dragon aboard my white pony named Crank

By Michael Marcinko
Columnist

In the midst of the current economic rollercoaster, there is one industry that could give our economy a swift kick in the pants. With an estimated $50 million in potential yearly earnings, the illegal drug industry may be the right kind of high to spurn our economy in the future. Yet standing in the way of this dazed and confused industry are these tiny little things called laws. But what if drugs were legalized? As I listened to my Bob Marley record, the fog in my mind cleared, and I realized that life would be great if drugs were legalized. Think about it. And if you cannot think about it, grab a big fatty and puff the magic dragon.

There are so many amazing things that would happen if drugs were legalized. I cannot remember what they were, but all I know is that I am really craving Funyuns right now. Where would society be without drugs? There would certainly be no such thing as the wheel. You know that some stoned guy (hence the Stone Age) came out of the cave after getting acquainted with some herb and said to another member of his clan, “Ugg ugg wachoo ga.” This, as you know, means “Look, a stone that rolls. I call it the wheel.” True story.

Let us not leave out the other recreational drugs. Cocaine, methamphetamines, heroin, mushrooms, LSD, and acid can all positively contribute to society. Energy drinks have too much caffeine and calories and do not last the entire day. Walk the thin white line, stay true to your Kate Moss diet, and get all of your week’s work done in two hours. You may experience heart failure, but who does not experience heart failure these days? What is so bad about chasing the dragon when fast food kills more people per year? And I’m sure it does not give you the squirts in 30 minutes too.

Prescription drugs kill more people each year than illegal drugs. And they have nasty side effects that are worse than the problem they try to fix. Have a runny nose due to allergies? Take this drug and you may experience blindness and seizures, but remember you can breathe easier. Smoke some herbage and you will no longer remember your runny nose, and you may laugh at a wall or try to eat a sock, but I would rather do that than shake more than Muhammad Ali.

That brings up another point. With the legalization of drugs come retailers who sell drug-related items. This, in turn, creates jobs, and the taxes that the government can collect could be used towards our crappy education system or paying off our tweeked-out national debt. In turn, our education system would have the money for books and Child Development Centers instead of paying administrators more money to blow hot air up the butts of the students. Maybe if our government was high during the week, and not just on the weekends, it would be a little more relaxed and get more work done. Bush was an avid cocaine user in his earlier years, and look where that got him.

What about God and his Bible thumping minions? Well, if you believe in magic and if God created everything, then he certainly created drugs, which means that they should not be illegal. How else could the idea of the Holy Trinity being the same person but three separate entities be thought of in the first place? Remember that religion is also the opiate of the masses.

Society would be a safer place as well. With drugs legalized there would be less crime since one third of crimes committed are drug related. Our prisons would be less crowded as well. The money spent on losing the war on drugs could be used for cancer research or social security. The people who would otherwise be incarcerated due to drug offenses could now contribute to society and tax revenue would increase. Basically, the government can make some wicked cash off of legalizing drugs. All they would have to do is drop the price of each drug lower than the black market and like Tanya Harding, eliminate the competition. Impose some heavy taxes and regulate the industry and boom, America will be out of debt in a decade. America would also become a tourist destination for drug aficionados from around the world, bringing in even more money. The government could also take all the taxes collected from drugs and divide it up evenly to distribute it to every American citizen. Who would turn down a tax free check for two grand? Did I mention that this can be extremely profitable?

Yeah, some Americans will be scared of pink elephants chasing them and jump into traffic or pull a Chris Farley, but there are always going to be casualties. You cannot make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. If we thin the herd of the really dumb people who will abuse the system, then so be it. More hash brownies for me.

The world would just be a better place if a lot of people got high once in awhile. They would remove the stick from their backside and spend some time chasing the white rabbit with Alice. There are so many other benefits of legalizing drugs besides money and brownies. Mmmm brownies. Right out of the oven. Hot and gooey. With a big glass of milk. What was I talking about? I got side tracked.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above do not represent the views of Arizona State University, West Times or the writers themselves. Please, do not sue.